Insanity and the Sheepdog Epiphany with Father Corapi

Today was a remarkable day thanks to a God who loves me (and you!) beyond my wildest imagination. I have been struggling a bit in the past year with what can only be described as insanity. I know that God knows me better than I know myself and that if I desire what He desires for me I will have more joy in my life. That being said, I have resisted to know God's will because I am not certain what it is He desires for me. Insanity. It is akin to a sick man who refuses to go the doctor because he is afraid he'll find out he has cancer. Well, whether he knows he has cancer or not doesn't change whether or not he has cancer or not. Insanity. We all know a friend or family member who is like this.

This all began last fall when I met a person who I will call, Wanda. Wanda informed me that I had many things to offer Christ and His Church; things which may be out of the purview that I had originally thought Christ was asking of me.

I must ask myself, then. Why is it that after being so faithful and so open to what I had discerned (hopefully accurately) the will of God to be in my life, am I suddenly in the past year, not as receptive, not as open to what God desires for me to do for Him? Not once have I made a decision that I thought was God's will and ever regretted it. It makes no sense. Insanity. I have concluded with a simple answer.

I am under attack. To quote the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) #409:

...The whole of man's history has been the story of dour combat with the powers of evil, stretching, so our Lord tells us, from the very dawn of history until the last day...

Satan doesn't need to attack those who are far away from the Lord. Does he anyway? I'm sure he does. But he most certainly attacks those who are closer to Christ Jesus moreso than he does those who are far away from the knowledge of the love of Jesus. It only makes sense. Certainly because I was attacked does not mean that I am any closer to God than anyone else. It just means that I was closer to God than I was before. And it got noticed. Thankfully, I know I am at war. The battle is being waged. I'm praying more deeply and more often. I'm visiting the most valuable piece of real estate in all of Valley City more often. It's a process, albeit a slow one.

This came to a head today, after pondering a discussion I had earlier in the day with my wife. I was driving home from work, when I remember a particular article I read when I was on duty (if I remember right, which admittedly, I may not) with the US Army in Iraq. It's simply titled, "Sheep, Sheepdogs, and Wolves." It can be found all over the internet, but I copied the bulk of it below.

"Most of the people in our society are sheep. They are kind, gentle, productive creatures who can only hurt one another by accident. We may well be in the most violent times in history, but violence is still remarkably rare. This is because most citizens are kind, decent people, not capable of hurting each other except by accident or under extreme provocation. They are sheep.

Then there are the wolves who feed on the sheep without mercy. Do you believe there are wolves out there who will feed on the flock without mercy? You better believe it. There are evil men in this world and they are capable of evil deeds. The moment you forget that or pretend it is not so, you become a sheep. There is no safety in denial.

Then there are sheepdogs and I'm a sheepdog. I live to protect the flock and confront the wolf. If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen, a sheep. If one has a capacity for violence and no empathy for one’s fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath, a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? What do you have then? A sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the unsheltered path.

Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed.

We know that the sheep live in denial; that is what makes them sheep.

They do not want to believe that there is evil in the world. They can accept the fact that fires can happen, which is why they want fire extinguishers, fire sprinklers, fire alarms and fire exits throughout their kid's schools. But many of them are outraged at the idea of putting an armed police officer in their kid's school. Our children are thousands of times more likely to be killed or seriously injured by school violence than fire, but the sheep's only response to the possibility of violence is denial. The idea of someone coming to kill or harm their child is just too hard. So they choose the path of denial.

The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog that intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours. Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep. He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land.

When I read this (regardless of whether I read it in Iraq or not), I remember thinking to myself, I am a sheep. I am not a sheepdog. How can I pretend to be something I'm not? What is more clear about that day is that I knew I no longer belonged in the Army.

Yet today, walking into my house after work, I remembered that article and had an epiphany. I am a sheepdog! That's half of my problem and half of the reason I suffer from insanity. I'm not a physical sheepdog, I'm a spiritual sheepdog. And many of the sheep don't even know there is a wolf. But the wolf is so good at what he does, that the sheep don't even know the wolf is there and devouring them. And how valuable is a sheepdog when the many if not most of the sheep don't live their life like there even is a possibility of there being a wolf.

When God gave me the awareness that I wasn't a physical sheepdog as a US Army soldier, He was preparing me for even greater things. He was preparing me to a Spiritual Sheepdog! I don't know what those things He has planned for me, but I pray, and I pray that you will pray too, that I will be open and willing to do whatever my Lord asks of me.

Then after coming home my wife informs me that Father John Corapi is leaving his public priestly ministry and is now under the title of "The Black Sheep Dog." Woah! What does it mean that I came to this conclusion on a day when I find out I'm a sheepdog too?